The X-Files 11×09 Review: Take Me To Church

I don’t know about you, but I got Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” stuck in my head after watching The X-Files Season 11 Episode 9, “Nothing Lasts Forever.”

Life is a mystery (X-File)
Everyone must stand alone (Trust no one)
I hear you call my name (Scullaaay!)
And it feels like (our) home

As you can see, I’m having fun with pop songs from the ’80s because I’m not in a crippling rage spiral like I normally am after an episode of this God-forsaken show. No one is more surprised than me, but (drum roll, please) I did not hate this episode. I even think I can go as far to say that I…liked it? It’s a refreshing feeling, although a little unsettling, to be honest.

Grab a smoothie and join me for an anomalous positive review.

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The X-Files 11×08 Review: Oh Hell No

The X-Files Season 11 Episode 8, “Familiar,” is a hot mess. For the revival, that’s at least, well, familiar. The episode could’ve been a super scary and fun horror trip, but instead it’s just really depressing and disturbing.

There’s a lot to unpack here, and I don’t really want to do it…but I committed to these reviews so here I am. The X-Files taught me that “no one gets there alone,” so thank you for joining me here in the shade.

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THE X-FILES: L-R: Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny in the "Rm9sbG93ZXJz" episode of THE X-FILES airing Wednesday, Feb. 28 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2018 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Shane Harvey/FOX

The X-Files 11×07 Review: Shut It Down

The title for Season 11 Episode 7 of The X-Files is “Rm9sbG93ZXJz,” which is “Followers” in Base64 code. “ZGlzYXBwb2ludG1lbnQ” is “disappointment.” And that’s what this episode is. A giant disappointment. I had more fun turning swear words into code on that Base64 encoder site than I did watching this episode.

Join me while I try to decode my intense dislike for an episode that contains MSR handholding. Or don’t. I understand how repetitive these rants are. Believe me, writing them has lost its luster as well.

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The X-Files 11×06 Review: Scully Wears A Turtleneck

Conspiracy. Monsters. The woods. These are the makings of a great episode of The X-Files…until you realize it’s a standalone about Skinner. The conspiracy is just rehashed crap we’ve heard about before, the monster is just a man in a mask, and the woods…well, they look cool — as do Mulder and Scully (that turtleneck, though); and, thus, “Kitten” turns out just to be a colossal waste of time.

Join me for my Teso Dos Bitchfest.

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THE X-FILES: L-R: Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny in the "Ghouli" episode of THE X-FILES. ©2018 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Robert Falconer/FOX.

The X-Files 11×05 Review: Emo Family Reunion

On the last episode of The X-Files, “The Lost Art Of Forehead Sweat,” I said I no longer wanted to believe. “Ghouli” has me taking that statement back. I do want to believe! I really do! The hope I had lost found its way back with this stunning and emotional episode. It is not without its problems, and I fear it will be ruined by that platonic beast from Hell, Chris Carter; but, for now, I’m going to enjoy liking my favorite show again — for all the same reasons I fell in love with it in the first place.

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Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully and David Duchovny as Fox Mulder in The X-Files 11x04 "The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat"

The X-Files 11×04 Review: The Lost Magic of The X-Files

The X-Files’ “The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat” doesn’t just have an annoyingly long title in common with Darin Morgan’s Season 10 contribution, “Mulder and Scully Meet The Weremonster,” it has Mulder going through another sentimental mid-life crisis. It has its moments, but I’m afraid it shows, in sharp relief, that The X-Files has lost its magic.

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The X-Files "Plus One." Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully and David Duchovny as Fox Mulder. Photo: FOX

The X-Files 11×03 Review: A Shipper’s Struggle

I imagine when Chris Carter sat down to write The X-Files “Plus One,” he had a split personality situation that was similar to the one in his script. His evil self — the one he inhabits regularly — started to type, but then his good self showed up. There was a struggle (he loves that word) that, in my mind, went something like this:

Good Chris: Let’s do a classic, spooky X-File. Enough with our whacked-out mythology.
Evil Chris: Okay, but women are going to be called horrible names a lot.
Good Chris: We are doing a sex scene. I won’t let you stop me!
Evil Chris: I want to make Scully feel old and sad.
Good Chris: Two sex scenes!
Evil Chris: Their pillow talk is going to be depressing and platonic.
Good Chris: I’m going to use the word “afterglow” somehow.

It probably explains why I have mixed feelings about this episode. Join me while I try to sort “Plus One” out.

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